Changing Notes
We sat in an office yesterday, Tony and I, pens in hand and signing all of the highlighted areas that needed our signatures.
I find myself back in the place I was so desperate to leave all of those years ago, ready to make this place home once again.
It’s surreal.
And yet, it’s good. It’s so good.
But it is good because of the goodness of God.
It’s funny though, how you can be sure of God’s hand leading, and still be terrified.
Maybe it is the season just walked through, where every door and opportunity that opened was obviously because of the kindness and grace of our Heavenly Father. And then, when every door and opportunity closed behind us, it was same kindness and grace of our Saviour that carried us. Maybe because of all of that, the temptation to be afraid of this next step is understandable.
And yet, while it may be understandable, I can’t remain there.
I drove to the highest point on the prairies in the late afternoon after the last document had been signed, leaned against my car while the dust billowed on the country roads below me and prayed.
I know my worry is sinful, and so I laid it all before Jesus under the billowing clouds that covered the Rocky Mountains hundreds of miles away - “casting all of your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you (1 Peter 5:7).
And then, this morning, He led me to Mark 8:14-21. After feeding both the five thousand, and then the four thousand, the disciples found themselves in a boat with Jesus aware that not only had they forgotten to bring bread with them, they only had one loaf between them all. The word dielogizonto is translated to discussing in the ESV, but it can also mean, disputed. They began to argue with one another over the bread, while the Bread of Life was sitting among them.
And then Jesus says to them,
“...’Why are you discussing the fact that you have no bread? Do you not yet perceive or understand? Are your hearts hardened? Having eyes do you not see, and having ears do you not hear? And do you not remember? When I broke the five loaves for the five thousand, how many baskets full of broken pieces did you take up?’ They said to Him, ‘Twelve.’ ‘And the seven for the four thousand, how many baskets full of broken pieces did you take up?’ And they said to Him, ‘Seven.’ And He said to them, ‘Do you not yet understand?’”
The faithful Puritan Matthew Henry writes about this passage,
“We are therefore overwhelmed with present cares and distrusts, because we do not understand, and remember, what we have known and seen of the power and goodness of our Lord Jesus. It would be a great support to us, to consider the days of old, and we are wanting both to God and ourselves if we do not.”
How often has God taken care of us in what seems like unexpected and impossible ways? How often have we laid our plans before Him, our hopes, our dreams, and our understanding, and He has taken it all and created a path for us to walk on, completely provided for, cared for, and sustained in both the easy and trying times.
I was thinking of my marriage vows to Tony as I drove through a different town this afternoon, “in sickness and in heath, for richer, for poorer, for better or for worse…” These words that I whispered into the space between us still bind us, even when I don’t consciously think of them. In all of it, Jesus has carried our marriage fully, and this next step into a new season is no different.
The disciples knew exactly how many baskets there were of leftover food in the miraculous moments - and I can pinpoint the exact instances of His hand moving on our behalf in the last 23 years.
Why doubt now?
Why toy with fear and anxiety, when my God, who created all things and still calms the wind and the waves, is with us wherever He has led the six of us?
And so, I lay it all down once more, placing pen to paper in faith, knowing that He is in this act of obedience yet again.
With love,
